Mar. 9th, 2010 04:59 pm
gwyn_bywyd: My cat, curled on my bed, looking smug (pic#434923)
[personal profile] gwyn_bywyd
I feel I should say before I begin that don't really know what this post is. Being an extrovert (and thus, I think best by talking) it might be an attempt to work things out for myself or it might be merely a cathartic rant. Doubtless part of the angstiness is stemming from once again trying to be at peace with the way in which I'm going to be single my whole life. I wonder when I'll finally manage this peace, I thought I'd been through this already and was ok with it. Apparently no.

I've been very interested to read a few people's musings on friends, and on the ways they make friends/ plan on making friends in new places.

It crystalises for me something I've known for a long time but kept trying to ignore. I am very, very lonely here. Lonely in a way I've never encountered before, and I feel powerless to start to overcome it. There are all sorts of factors involved in this loneliness: the isolating effect of cfs, the nature of my job, and being moved to a very cliquey rural town. It is also probably compounded by the life-stages many of my already existing friends find themselves at: in committed relationships, with new children, or in the midst of frenetic social times. Which is wonderful, and if things were different that would be me too.

One of my colleagues was recently asked by our Big Boss "Is she making friends?" in a way that obviously expected the answer yes. My colleague, I think, may have looked at him blankly for a few moments. Running through her head was "You moved her to an insular town, hours away from everyone she holds dear, she uses all her energy for work, she can't be friends with people she meets through work, but as previously mentioned, she has no energy for ANYTHING else." I think she may have actually said "It is a hard town to make friends in."  Of course, he has never bothered to ask me the question.

I try to make the effort to call family and friends, or write to them, but often when I am home I am slumped in exhaustion on the couch, trying to muster the energy to perform tasks of basic self-care (cooking, cleaning, laundry) or to do more work.

I've worked out that the only people I see regularly outside of work are my spiritual director and my yoga instructor. Lovely folk and deeply caring, but NOT to be confused with friends! Oh, and shop-assistants, who tend to see me in my work-role, and who relate to me in that caring role way. So even if I don't see work people at the supermarket, the check-out can be quite draining!

This is among the reasons that I frequently thank God for the internet, it really is helping me to feel as if I am in touch with friends, even if I haven't the energy to chat to them. And I am revelling in the process of meeting new people that has come about through this wonderful Dream-width thingammy.

But in terms of strategies to acquire local friends, I really don't see there are any. The most important thing is to be self-aware, and watch for danger signs that loneliness is leading me to inappropriateness. On the plus-side, I think I am doing an adequate job of this watchfulness, and am building up things like this blog to act as pressure-valves.
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